RUKINGIRI - Monday, July 30th
Posted by vroomer in Uganda Outreach
Monday, July 30th - I was burdened during worship this morning. I couldn’t shake it. I’d been lying to God, myself and the other guys. While others were singing I went to my room and grabbed the pack of cigarettes I’d stashed in my bag. I’ve smoked three cigarettes since being here, sneaking out at night while everyone was sleeping.
At the end of worship Neil told the guys I had something I needed to share and I came clean and handed the pack over to Deuce. It seems to me that this is all about faith and trust. If I’m going to grow in either I need to surrender this addiction. I’m tired of being in the middle of what could be described as a God moment, or perhaps in the middle of singing or maybe even just interacting with a child and I have the sudden craving for a cigarette. How can I fully change or fully realize my potential or most importantly allow God to work in and through me if I’m not stripping away all impediments?
If feels good when I am able to see clearly a sin, humble myself, confess it and then surrender it. The surrender part is the toughest. Lord knows I’m awful good at pointing out my faults and/or sin…to a harmful fault at times, but when it comes to surrender I fall short. I see the process but I struggle to submit to it. When I do, a huge weight is lifted and I literally feel lighter. Spiritual battle stuff…
One of the things I am experiencing from not only these men on this team but from others at Rocky Peak is a lack of condemnation. When I confessed this morning to the guys, Neil opened the floor to everyone else; he offered the opportunity for anyone to share any burden or hidden sin. Some others talked of feelings that were burdening them and in so doing cleared the air amongst some. Where in our normal lives does this take place? When do we take the time amongst ourselves to allow for condemnation free clearing of the air and confession of sin…other than in church? Gotta tell you, it don’t happen often in my world. How refreshing for me to lay bare my faults, hangups and habits to Christian brothers and not be judged, ridiculed or condemned. So many, including myself, have a perception that most Christians are hypocrites and condemning. On this trip and at Rocky Peak, that has not been my experience. I don’t know…this seems like an obvious wound for me and clearly I’m being given a chance to heal it.
What else…well at the risk of being redundant, I’m trying to grow and I’m willing to keep releasing and relinquishing that which impairs or impedes my relationship with my Creator.
On a different note…
We worked 9-12:30 on the church site and we worked hard. Log cutting, log moving, large rock and small boulder moving. At one point, early on, everyone was moving the large rocks one-by-one and walking about 30 yards each way. It seemed like unnecessary work to me so I asked Neil why weren’t working in a daisy chain. I think I even said “chain gang”. A couple of cracks were made about it but then we put it to a vote and all were game. We lined up, Rocky Peak men and Ugandans, which included two women from the church. WE HAD A BLAST! One-by-one the rocks moved down the line and all the while we joked it up. THIS is what I envisioned! We, people who barely knew each other, from other parts of the world were all working together and bonding through our efforts. Hope we have more of this.
I haven’t shared my testimony yet but I’m eager. Not sure exactly what I’ll say but I feel like I could say a lot. What a change from a month or two ago.
MONDAY NIGHT -
The crusade tonight was a different energy and a small turnout. I think the team was disappointed. Several, including myself, spoke a desire to move about outside the confines of the church grounds. I have to be careful to not allow my compulsion to “do something” to interfere with the larger plans of what God might be doing. Supposedly, a connection is growing with the local officials, which is a huge step forward from the past and maybe that is what this mission is a part of that development.
On a separate note, I continue to converse with Emmanuel. He shares more…I share more and it feels right. He has asked nothing of me until tonight. He asked for my mailing address so he can send me pictures of animals and or nature. We spoke earlier of our mutual affection for animals and he watched me as I approached a steer that was near the construction site.
You know, we were told that children would approach us and come right out and ask to be sponsored. I understand that. If I were in their shoes(or lack thereof) I might do the same. So why am I defensive about this? I don’t want to feel like I’m being used, that’s why. Sure, I can send money and not really have anything invested other than money, but that’s not what I want. Being faced to face with these children makes it much more personal and real. A picture is one thing, interacting with and experiencing someone else in reality is another. With that said, I want to feel a connection to the child I might sponsor. I feel a connection to Emmanuel. He has a need. I can help. So why does his request for my e-mail, for the purposes of sending me pictures, set off my alarm?!!! Am I being used? Am I a human ATM to him? Is this connection actually a manipulation? I don’t know.
What I do know is I feel he is a good kid. He’s smart. He works hard. He’s continuing to try and better himself. He has faith in God and he has a good role model in Sam. Furthermore…he’s asked NOTHING of me. So, I’m going to keep praying about this and just move forward.
In addition to receiving discernment and guidance with Emmanuel, I pray for wisdom in the content and delivery of my testimony and upcoming devotional.
Tomorrow…we mix and pour concrete the old school way. Should be interesting!